A few weeks ago we officially found out I was pregnant.
But I knew earlier, pretty much right away. I would love to be one of those girls that don’t realize it until further along, but after a few doses of nausea and unforgiving fatigue…I knew. I had to wait until I missed a period though to justify buying a pregnancy test.
It’s hard to pin down exactly what I felt when seeing those two lines that equal a positive pregnancy test. We have two boys now; ages 1 and 2. 14 months apart. This one would have been 21 months behind our youngest and the thought of having my hands any more full made me a bit uneasy, although, not all together scared. The thought of a rear view mirror full of car seats made me smile for a minute, then when I realized that each one would hold a noisy little being, feelings of intimidation started to stir…
I was chasing after both boys as they ran in different directions a few weeks ago after church. As I did so I was envisioning having a newborn in a sling around my middle… Would I be able to keep my sanity?… I had to ask myself if all this is really worth it. The answer? Absolutely.
Is there greater reward than having slobbery kisses and small embraces? Of hearing the words “mommy” come out of a toothy smile!? In the knowledge that you are creating a person that could have an incredibly great impact in this world we live in…
But seriously, after a little thinking I felt that if we’re gonna have more kiddos-lets get er done! When it’s time to be done with diapers and sleepless nights, lets really be done with it. When the kids start school lets have them start together and go through it together. Instead of having the oldest babysit, we can have the oldest lead.
Well, after telling just a few people we were pregnant I had a miscarriage at about 6 weeks along. Thankfully it was so early that it wasn’t to physically painful. If I didn’t know any better I would have just thought it to be a late, bad period.
And then emotionally… well, I was a bit embarrassed. We now had to go back and tell those few people “We’re not pregnant anymore…” But I also feel like I need to share. That if I don’t I’m withholding information, like I’ve got a big secret if I don’t talk about it with those around us.
I’m one of those people who live life out loud. As you can see in my very honest blog here. I love Romans 12:15; “Rejoice with those who rejoice; morn with those who mourn.” Even though I’m a bit of an introvert I love doing life with others.
Again I am SO thankful I wasn’t further along…I really hope I never experience the pain of a miscarriage later in the game. It was easier to swallow since it hadn’t really sunk in yet you know? There was no belly bump, or movement, or even an ultrasound yet.
It’s been a little over a week now and although the bleeding has stopped it seems that the depression has started. For some reason I expected to feel better. It wasn’t a planned pregnancy and I already have my hands full. So I guess I expected there to be a sigh of relief and a weight fall from my shoulders. There wasn’t.
I just felt disappointment.
An “Oh well, now’s not the time.” And “I guess I wont need to worry about this and that and that other thing now…”
But was it my fault? Did I do something wrong? Have too much wine before I confirmed the pregnancy? Push myself to hard and not rest enough?? Eat too much brie? Drink too much coffee?
I’m not blaming myself…but really, I can’t go through a miscarriage and not feel a twinge of responsibility. But it’s comforting to know that miscarriages are normal. As unpleasant as they are, 50 percent of all pregnancies end in miscarriage it’s not just me.
I’m guessing the depression is due to the fact that I still “feel” pregnant. I still have those bouts of fatigue and nausea. I’m assuming it’s all of my hormones trying to get back to normal. Whatever it is, it kinda sucks.
We had a lot going on these last few weeks… maybe a little to much. I know that I’ll be a little more attentive to my body next time around. I believe more than ever that there really is something to the whole “take care of yourself and put your feet up.” I used to just think it as an excuse to give into the fatigue and reason to allow myself rest when nauseated.
I never would have guessed I’d have a miscarriage. I figured I had it all down, this being the third pregnancy in four years. Next time I won’t be so presumptuous. And I’m not gonna assume I know what God’s got in store, but I wouldn’t be suprised if He made another Jaynes baby.
Here’s to that future post about the next addition! Whether it be sooner or later, we trust that God is in control.