I had a miscarriage.

A few weeks ago we officially found out I was pregnant.

 But I knew earlier, pretty much right away. I would love to be one of those girls that don’t realize it until further along, but after a few doses of nausea and unforgiving fatigue…I knew.  I had to wait until I missed a period  though to justify buying a pregnancy test. 

It’s hard to pin down exactly what I felt when seeing those two lines that equal a positive pregnancy test.  We have two boys now; ages 1 and 2.  14 months apart.  This one would have been 21 months behind our youngest and the thought of having my hands any more full made me a bit uneasy, although, not all together scared.  The thought of a rear view mirror full of car seats made me smile for a minute, then when I realized that each one would hold a noisy little being, feelings of intimidation started to stir… 

I was chasing after both boys as they ran in different directions a few weeks ago after church.  As I did so I was envisioning having a newborn in a sling around my middle… Would I be able to keep my sanity?… I had to ask myself  if  all this is really worth it.  The answer?  Absolutely.

Is there greater reward than having slobbery kisses and small embraces?  Of hearing the words “mommy” come out of a toothy smile!?  In the knowledge that you are creating a person that could have an incredibly great impact in this  world we live in…

But seriously, after a little thinking I felt that if we’re gonna have more kiddos-lets get er done!  When it’s time to be done with diapers and sleepless nights, lets really be done with it.  When the kids start school lets have them start together and go through it together.  Instead of having the oldest babysit, we can have the oldest lead. 

Well, after telling just a few people we were pregnant I had a miscarriage at about 6 weeks along.  Thankfully it was so early that it wasn’t to physically painful.  If I didn’t know any better I would have just thought it to be a late, bad period. 

And then emotionally… well, I was a bit embarrassed.  We now had  to go back and tell those few people “We’re not pregnant anymore…” But I also feel like I need to share.  That if I don’t I’m withholding information, like I’ve got a big secret if I don’t talk about it with those around us. 

I’m one of those people who live life out loud.  As you can see in my very honest blog here. I love Romans 12:15; “Rejoice with those who rejoice; morn with those who mourn.”  Even though I’m a bit of an introvert I love doing life with others.

 Again I am SO thankful I wasn’t further along…I really hope I never experience the pain of a miscarriage later in the game.  It was easier to swallow since it hadn’t really sunk in yet you know?  There was no belly bump, or movement, or even an ultrasound yet. 

It’s been a little over a week now and although the bleeding has stopped it seems that the depression has started.  For some reason I expected to feel better.  It wasn’t a planned pregnancy and I already have my hands full.  So I guess I expected there to be a sigh of relief and a weight fall from my shoulders.  There wasn’t. 

I just felt disappointment.

An “Oh well, now’s not the time.”  And “I guess I wont need to worry about this and that and that other thing now…”

But was it my fault?  Did I do something wrong?  Have too much wine before I confirmed the pregnancy?  Push myself to hard and not rest enough??  Eat too much brie?  Drink too much coffee?

I’m not blaming myself…but really, I can’t go through a miscarriage and not feel a twinge of responsibility. But it’s comforting to know that miscarriages are normal.  As unpleasant as they are, 50 percent of all pregnancies end in miscarriage it’s not just me.

I’m guessing the depression is due to the fact that I still “feel” pregnant.  I still have those bouts of fatigue and nausea.  I’m assuming  it’s all of my hormones trying to get back to normal.  Whatever it is, it kinda sucks.

We had a lot going on these last few weeks… maybe a little to much.  I know that I’ll be a little more attentive to my body next time around.  I believe more than ever that there really is something to the whole “take care of yourself and put your feet up.”  I used to just think it as an excuse to give into the fatigue and reason to allow myself rest when nauseated. 

I never would have guessed I’d have a miscarriage.  I figured I had it all down, this being the third pregnancy in four years.  Next time I won’t be so presumptuous.  And I’m not gonna assume I know what God’s got in store, but I wouldn’t be suprised if He made another Jaynes baby. 

Here’s to that future post about the next addition!  Whether it be sooner or later, we trust that God is in control.

12 thoughts on “I had a miscarriage.”

  1. I love you friend and I am so sorry for your loss. But I am so glad that God uses you in more ways than you know. You are an amazing woman.

  2. I’m so sorry Christine! Remember to cut yourself some slack and put your feet up a bit as your body recouperates, your hormones level out and your heart aches. Just because it was early and just because this little one wasn’t planned doesn’t mean it won’t still ache and be an adjustment. I’ll be praying *hugs*

  3. Oh Christine I’m so sorry for your loss. I’m so glad you shared this blog, it really touched me and made me realize what an amazing, strong, and beautiful friend I have! When the time is right, you next little baby will come. I love you!

  4. I’m sorry for what happened. I know how it feels coz I had a miscarriage too few months ago. Till now I’m still blaming myself for what happen and the most painful part was my husband blamed me too. but we’re okay now though. Starting to bring back our normal life.

  5. Hey there! Thank you for your honesty.

    You know, I was doing some thinking about pregnancy and when and how and why not now and woah is me…la, la, la. Anyway, I was sleeping and praying and awake all at the same time (ever been there?), and I was thinking how foolish I am to think that I am in control of something that is a miracle from God–it’s supernatural! It’s superGOD!! Silly, Lizzy, to think that I have control over something, or something is my fault. “His ways are bigger than our ways, and His thoughts are greater than our thoughts…” (Is. 55). It gave me so much peace to know that He is in charge of these supernatural miracles anyway–not me!

    I love you, dear friend. I am so blessed to watch such a beautiful mother raise these children. I am so thankful (and humbled) that God has given me the opportunity to watch you raise these children. If it were me first, I’m not sure that there would be very much learning going on. He chose YOU to raise these children and to be example for your friends and family. Whether you believe it or not, you are a blessing, and I believe that this is all part of God’s miracles that He blesses us with everyday.

    Love you,

    Lizzy

    1. Isn’t it great when you have those revelations. I’ve had them a few times…I’m sure I’ll forget again how good and great God is and get stuck in my own head and world again, and He’ll have to remind me with a another revelation of that same nature…but it is so freeing and peaceful. Thank you for sharing. I love knowing that I am not in control (ok sometimes I don’t love it) that God is so much better than me and His plan is going to prevail.

  6. Thank you for sharing this story. I, too, recently had a miscarriage at just past 6 weeks. We had just seen a sonogram and heartbeat, and two days later I was up with severe cramping. A trip to the ER confirmed our loss. We had just talked about sharing our news, but we hadn’t told anyone yet. It was our first, and I am 37 years old. I did ask for many tests to be done (they usually wait for 3 losses, but because I’m older, they agreed), and was informed I have a clotting disorder that is linked to miscarriages. It’s treatable, and we meet with the doctor in a few weeks to discuss our next steps.

    I have been a Christian for many years now, and I find myself wondering why God would have this happen to me. I have learned, however, how little control I have, and how I have to daily put my trust in Him. I’ll admit that is a daily struggle, and I’m not alway succesful at it (guess I have control issues).

    I came across your blog by searching for Christian and miscarriage. I wanted to find someone with a Christian perspective to share her story.

    Thanks again for sharing.

    1. Jackie, I am soo sorry for your loss. I will be keeping you in my prayers. I’m glad to hear that your condition is treatable, miracles happen everyday. You never know what God has in store. Pregnancy or not it’s good to know He has a plan, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future.” (Jeremiah 29:11)

  7. Miscarriages happen. Most of the time, the mother is not at fault. You are not either. Sometimes, drinking can induce a miscarriage, but it normally has to be repetitive, and I can tell you are not a huge drinker. A glass of wine would not cause a miscarriage, though it is not healthy for the baby.
    Doctors are not sure about some of the causes of miscarriages, but they do know some can be induced from illness or trauma to the mother or fetus, but obviously, this does not apply to you.
    Another one would be chromosomes. If chromosomes are paired unevenly, like if one is standing alone, or if three are grouped together, this can also cause a miscarriage. Miscarriages still happen though, even when these conditions are not present. Normally, it means something was wrong with the fetus.
    I have an aunt who was a good 4 months pregnant when she miscarried, and she went on to have two healthy boys!
    You were NOT at fault, and I am sorry you never got to hold your son or daughter in your arms. ( yes, their gender would already have been determined).
    Dont worry though, even after miscarriages, many women can still have healthy children, so can have as many as you want!
    Also know you are not alone in this. Miscarriages affect up to 20% of women .

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