I had a melt down.

Ya, I ended up curled in a ball rocking back and forth spewing tears on the kitchen floor yesterday.  No, it’s not because someone died, no, I don’t have cancer, it’s not because of finances, or anything my husband, friend, parent, or sibling did… it’s because I spend 24/7 with two toddlers. 

Oh, some of you completely understand.  Others or you may think I’m ridiculous… but there you have it, the raw truth of how weak this mother really is. 

By the time 9:30 am rolled around yesterday I was convinced that I needed to give up trying to do anything with my days other than follow them around supervising.  Or just stop caring.  I mean I could just throw my hands in the air and let them be. 

 “Sure go ahead and play with the stove, the ER isn’t to far away, play with my computer I don’t REALLY need any of those files, push and beat on your little brother, he needs to toughen up, stand and run on the couch – I’m sure no one will get hurt, Yes, I’ll carry you around little one everywhere you want to go, my ears will get used to your whining, and go ahead and poke that eye out- who needs two eyes anyway.  Play in the toilet, it’s a fun source of entertainment, go ahead and get in my make-up, I should go all natural anyway.  Throw your food on the ground for the dog to eat, I’ll just get you more in three minutes when you decide you are actually hungry…”   

I mean really, how many times can you say “no” in two minutes?  Now, don’t get me wrong, my little boys are well behaved but they’re  only 15  and 28 mo.  I’ve actually been reassured by the Proverbs that states “Folly is bound up in the heart of a child.”  That means my kids aren’t out of the ordinary and I’m not doing anything wrong.  I just need a break every once in a while. 

Which is what my wonderful husband gave me yesterday afternoon.  I put the kids down for a nap while he was working outside and found myself on the floor crying.  I picked myself up and though I really didn’t want to do any chores, or run on my treadmill, I thought, maybe if I escape to some tv land and sweat a little I’ll feel better.  I dejectedly got out my stair-stepper and turned on the tube when my hubs came in and told me to take off.  I was going to make him lunch first and he said never mind, just go. 

Honestly I didn’t know what I was going to do, except get a mocha (ahhh the sweet therapy of a warm chocolate coffee beverage!) and cry more.  But I snagged my Bible and headed out. 

As I was sitting in Starbucks enjoying the sweet warm comfort in the palm of my hands and sipping it down into my spirit ( hows that for dramatic and deep!?) starring off into the distance wondering what is wrong with me and how did I let myself get to this place of despair?.. I flipped open the Holy Book. 

It opened to Isaiah.  “On this mountain he will destroy the shroud that enfolds all peoples, the sheet that covers all nations, he will swallow up death forever.  The Soverign Lord will wipe away the tears from all faces, he will remove the disgrace of his people from all the earth.  The Lord has spoken.  Surely this is our God; we trusted in him and he saved us.  This is the Lord, we trusted in him; let us Rejoice and be glad in his salvation.”  ISAIAH 25:7-9

Now, I know that these verses will comfort those who are mourning over big things in life – but I proved it also comforts weak mothers who’s only woes are her over active and curious children. 

And then this morning my devotional just happened to be about running the race set before us.  Thinking about what Christ endured in his lifetime, in the race set before him, and how that finish line was all worth it to him.  To die with the sins of the world on his shoulders… it was worth it to him, he knew what was waiting for him. 

I know that this race I’m running is going to be worth it.  I knew that this motherhood endeavor wasn’t going to be easy…even as the boys get older and grown it will have its challenges.  But to “fix my eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of my faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.”  I’ll “consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that I will not grow weary, and lose heart.”  “I will throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles and run with perseverance the race marked out for me…”  parts of Hebrews 12

Now, if I need to take a short 3 hour break in this race of life to go get a mocha, read some scripture, and have a little retail therapy, than so be it!  Ya…, I went to goodwill and spent $40 dollars of my birthday money I’d been saving (I will get an itouch- someday!), but I got TEN shirts, all name brand and some even with tags still on them!  I’ll tell you, I got home feeling 100 percent better.  I was excited to see my boys (and they were happy to see me!) and I was ready, enthused, even to get dinner going and finish the rest of my daily chores done while playing with my sons. 

And what a treat: I walked into my kitchen and low and behold- the dishes were even done!  What a great hubs I have! (Maybe I should have breakdowns a little more often!…KIDDING, just kidding babe…kinda…)

0 thoughts on “I had a melt down.”

  1. I totally relate. I love how you mention chores vs. tread mill. I find myself crying and praying “Help me!” or “Please give me patience!” on a daily basis.

  2. Christine, I have so much admiration and respect for what you do each day. You truly have one of the toughest jobs around and yet you do it with grace, composure, and even humor. Thank you for your honesty and humility… you are truly an inspiration to me!! Love you friend and praying for you. 🙂

  3. God works you in a beautiful way my friend. =) He’s given you gifts of many that I must admit I am jealous of but so happy you have, b/c you are able to encourage all of us with your wonderful words. Wow that was a run on sentence if I’ve ever seen one-lol. 😉 Miss you.

  4. Hey Beanie…what a beautiful woman of God you are. I found myself up 36 hours straight landing in a puddle of tears and fears. It is hard, so hard to be a parent, but you are right, there is no greater cause…the children God gives us. We will always be a mom…always. I know your heart and I am amazed at your vulnerability. We need more of that from one another. Safety. You are loved, you are safe. I love you.

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